Monday, July 24, 2006

"You Take The Good. You Take The Bad..."

This week, HH will be joining "A Cup of Coffey" in Guilty Pleasures Week, with today's subtopic being TV. Now, we didn't really define "guilty pleasures" very clearly. So, I'm going with gut instinct here. I haven't read her post yet, but a quick glance revealed that she might be giving you a glimpse into her current viewing. For me, after years of watching nothing but Seinfeld and sporting events, my current viewing habits are >90% reruns of Law & Order (in all its incarnations), and catching an occasional The Colbert Report, when I remember to switch over from either USA or TNT.

So, let's take a look back...

I haven't seen The Facts of Life in more than a decade. It went off the air in 1988, at least 2-3 years after I'd stopped watching it anyway. To be honest, I'm not sure how often I ever saw a rerun. It might be 20 years or more now since I've seen it. However, I can sit here and say with the utmost confidence that The Facts of Life was bad television. I wish I could remember more specifics (or, maybe I don't). I'm just getting vague recollections that each episode was either blissfully unaware of any subject with any substance whatsoever, or it was all the way over to the after-school-special end of the scale: over-dramatized to the point of absurdity. But, that's not the main reason it was a guilty pleasure...

Now, looking at the picture above of the cover of a 1982 issue of TV Guide, can you guess which one of the people pictured was not the subject of multiple sexual fantasies in my private moments as a then 12-year-old? Jo the tomboy? Blair the richy-rich blonde? Mrs. Garrett the mother-figure? Tootie the nosy & bubbly black girl? Natalie the fun-loving chubby girl? That's right. You guessed it. The correct answer is "none of the above" were not the subject of multiple sexual fantasies. They were ALL good for a knuckle shuffle on Mr. Winky. Hey, when I was 12, I was pretty sure that they all wanted me in one big 5-on-1 love fest. It was greenlight-means-go on the self-abuse. I'm talking wank wank, jerk jerk, tug tug, rub-a-roo on the dipsy-do, morning, noon, and night.

I plead "victim of circumstance" here, people. If I had been born 4 or 5 years earlier, I would've turned 12 during the prime years of Charlie's Angels. Instead, I had the girls from The Facts of Life...and Mrs. Garrett...oooohhh, Mrs. Garrett...

Tomorrow's topic is music, which probably won't be as masturbatory a topic for me...

14 Comments:

Blogger Beth said...

A knuckle shuffle? Haven't heard that one yet ... but I'll work it into conversation this week.

I just wish you'd shared a Mrs. Garrett fantasy in this post ...

8:58 AM, July 24, 2006  
Blogger haahnster said...

You know her character was spun-off from Diff'rent Strokes...no pun intended.

10:02 AM, July 24, 2006  
Blogger Beth said...

I think that pun was intended, my friend. As it should be.

10:53 AM, July 24, 2006  
Blogger Keith Kennedy said...

EH - that's just sick. The best white knuckle chicken chokin' show ever was Charlies Angel's. I had the Farrah poster on the back of my door and I had a light that shown down on her so when I lay in bed at night and "meditated" I could have her undivided attention.

Or maybe it was here that got my undivided attention.

Either way, the Differnt Strokes thing is one best kept to oneself!!

11:40 AM, July 24, 2006  
Blogger Beth said...

So, how do you knuckleballers feel about Wonder Woman and The Bionic Woman?

12:48 PM, July 24, 2006  
Blogger Dale said...

Hilarious, you took the good and made us take the bad!

1:38 PM, July 24, 2006  
Blogger haahnster said...

I just looked 'em up: The Bionic Woman ran from '76-'78 and Wonder Woman ran from '76-'79. I was 6 in 1976. I'm not saying I hadn't already discovered the art of tending to my own tallywhacker. I'm saying I don't remember doing so at that age.

I did catch the occasional Charlie's Angels rerun on WGN in the early '80s. Farrah was hot. But, I always liked Jaclyn Smith and Cheryl Ladd more.

Thanks, Dale. After this weekend, I figured I'd keep some of the good for myself.

2:05 PM, July 24, 2006  
Blogger mat said...

Guilty pleasure tv? Mine would have to be "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". I saw every single episode, and back before I had a decent vcr (does anyone even have one of those anymore?), I made sure I was home to see it. By the way, Buffy was soooooo much hotter than any of those "Facts of Life" girls! Charlie's Angels? Well...

5:58 PM, July 24, 2006  
Blogger haahnster said...

Mat, I no longer have a VCR hooked up in my house. I never remembered to set it up to tape anything even when I did have one.

Buffy was better looking than the FoL girls. But, never underestimate the experience factor with Mrs. Garrett!!!!

6:38 PM, July 24, 2006  
Blogger Beth said...

That's right, Haahnster. We old chicks know what we're doing. And then we bake you cookies.

6:43 PM, July 24, 2006  
Blogger mat said...

Cookies? Super chocolate chip?

7:26 PM, July 24, 2006  
Blogger KLee said...

You had fantasies about Mrs. Garrett? Oh, that's disturbing.

I could understand the girls, but I couldn't see Mrs. Garrett as a mastubatory image. Maybe it's her voice -- like fingernails on a chalkboard -- that's throwing me off....

7:42 PM, July 24, 2006  
Blogger haahnster said...

I like cookies.

Oh, and, K Lee, you are completely underestimating the extent to which my testosterone was raging as a 12-year-old. Sure, it's disturbing now, in retrospect. But, back then? Bombs away!

8:29 PM, July 24, 2006  
Blogger Writeprocrastinator said...

"So, how do you knuckleballers feel about Wonder Woman and The Bionic Woman?"

See, I was just going to bring up Lynda Carter. Because unlike all the other 70's shows, Lynda Carter still floats my boat. I still like Lyndsey Wagner with those eyes and using her in informercials to sell matressesseseses, is down right cruel to someone of my generation.

"Oh, and, K Lee, you are completely underestimating the extent to which my testosterone was raging as a 12-year-old. Sure, it's disturbing now, in retrospect. But, back then? Bombs away!"

In defense of Haahnster, I was a junior pervert too. At that stage of a boy's life and I emphasize, "boy," if it's female? It's all good.

10:25 PM, July 24, 2006  

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