BREAKING NEWS: Knox Blasts "Cut & Run" Democrats

Haahnster’s Hallucinations has an exclusive: Henry Knox has been quoted as telling President George W. Bush, “Ye oughtn’t succumb to the faulty notion of dissection and retreat with celerity. Verily, I say unto thee, ‘Thou shalt not cut and run – in the parlance of your times.’” Mr. Knox was also quoted as saying that although not a huge fan of reality television, he thought “The Biggest Loser is pretty rad.” Knox explained, “I’m a veritable sucker for man-boobs.”

Knox was reached by séance, as arranged under the direction of current Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld explained, “We got sound advice from an experienced Secretary of War. We provided employment, albeit temporary, for a psychic who had been displaced by Hurricane Katrina. And, we added a minority to our White House payroll, instantaneously enhancing our diversity statistics. I call that a ‘win-win-win.’”

Rumsfeld scoffed at the revelation by notorious Watergate newshound Bob Woodward that George W. Bush has been seeking advice on Iraq from Henry Kissinger. “Many find this news alarming on two fronts. For one, Kissinger was Nixon’s Secretary of State during the disastrous Viet Nam conflict. And, two, some thought I (recycled from the Ford Administration) was a fossil, and Kissinger, they claim, well, he’s just downright ancient.” Rumsfeld chuckled. “Wait til they find out we’re channeling Knox’s advice. What are they going to say, George Washington wasn’t a great President? We should doubt a member of his cabinet? Bring it on, Democrats. Bring it on.”

Top-ranking members of the Democratic Party did not immediately return calls (that were not actually placed).