ELVIS--Still Worth More Dead Than I Am Alive

Elvis is Forbes' richest dead celebrity

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Classic ONION: "It's Only Tuesday"

WASHINGTON, DC -- After running a thousand errands, working hours of overtime, and being stuck in seemingly endless gridlock traffic commuting to and from their jobs, millions of Americans were disheartened to learn that it was, in fact, only Tuesday.

"Tuesday?" San Diego resident Doris Wagner said. "How in the hell is it still Tuesday?"

Tuesday's arrival stunned a nation still recovering from the nightmarish slog that was Monday, leaving some to wonder if the week was ever going to end and others to ask what was taking Friday so goddamn long.

"Ugh," said Wagner, echoing a national sense of frustration over it not even being Wednesday at the very least.

According to suddenly depressed sources, the feeling that this week may in fact last forever was further compounded by the thought of all the work left to be done tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and, if Americans make it that far, possibly even Friday, for Christ's sake.

Fears that the week could actually be going backwards were also expressed.

"Not only do Americans have most of Tuesday morning to contend with, but all of Tuesday afternoon and then Tuesday night," National Labor Relations Board spokesman David Prynn said. "If our calculations are correct, there is a chance we are in effect closer to last weekend than the one coming up."

Added Prynn: "Fuck."

Reports that this all has to be some kind of sick joke had not been confirmed as of press time.

Isolated attempts to make the day go faster, such as glancing at watches or clocks every other minute, compulsively checking e-mail, hiding in the office bathroom, fidgeting, or reading a boring magazine while sitting in the waiting room, have also all proven unsuccessful, sources report.

The National Institute of Standards and Technology, which oversees the official time of the United States, has flatly denied slowing or otherwise tampering with the progression of time.

Labor Secretary Elaine Chao released a statement addressing widespread speculation that it might as well be Monday for all anyone cares.

"We understand this day has been tough on many of you, what with meetings mercilessly dragging on and an entire stack of files still left to organize," Chao's statement read in part. "Yet we urge Americans to show patience. The midweek hump is just around the corner, and we have strong reason to believe that Saturday will be here before you know it."

"Go about your lives as best you can," the statement continued. "Do not, we repeat, do not take a sick day, as it'll make the rest of the week that much harder to endure."

In the meantime, citizens are doing their best to cope with the interminable week, though Tuesday is still hours away from ending.

"The more I try to speed it along, the longer it almost seems to take," said Dale Bouchard, a Chicago-based broker who has been waiting for today to be over since it first began earlier this morning. "Honestly, today could not have come at a worse time this week."

In the meantime, the latest wristwatch consultations indicate that it is somehow still Tuesday, if that makes any sense at all.

A Bit More Dylan

First, I believe this was Bob's setlist:

Rainy Day Women #12 & 35
Don't Think Twice, It's All Right
I'll Be Your Baby Tonight
Tangled Up In Blue
'Til I Fell In Love With You
When The Deal Goes Down
The Levee's Gonna Break
Workingman's Blues #2
High Water (For Charlie Patton)
Spirit On The Water
Highway 61 Revisited
Ain't Talkin'
Summer Days
Masters Of War
Encore:
Thunder On The Mountain
[Band intros]
All Along The Watchtower

Second, the guy that security dragged out just after Bob's set started sure looked familiar. I think it was Jeff from the band Naked Hippy, and record store Mother Murphy's. Jeff, dude, what did you do???!?!

Amos, Elvis, Dylan & I

...still recovering from last night's festivities...not very coherent yet, but...

Amos Lee - I didn't know ANYTHING about this guy, and I can't say I've really formed an opinion...no major impression made either way. (Apologies to his fans)

Elvis Costello - Solo appearance...acoustic guitar, but highly amplified and with amazingly cool distortion effects, incredible voice...WONDERFUL

Zimmy himself - with (excellent) band...started off with Rainy Day Women (...everybody must get stoned...) on guitar. Yes, I said Bob on guitar...more specifically, on electric guitar...more specifically still, on lead (pronounced "leed"), electric guitar!!! HUGELY surprising based on recent show descriptions I've read. By song #4 (a fantastic rendition of "Tangled Up In Blue"), Bob had moved to the keyboard, and broken out the harmonica.

EXCELLENT!!!!

Bush to meet with Dalai Lama today

Answer: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Question: What is (my) best guess as to what "W" will say at his upcoming meeting with the Dalai Lama?

"Spirit Road" Might Be A 'Keeper'

My Babies Are Cute

Neil Young On B**tlegs

"Y'mean all this bootleg stuff? It doesn't bother me. More power to them – they can sell 'em in the parking lot. I don't give a shit. I have nothing against bootlegs – I think for an artist like me, they're essential. There's just no way that the record company's gonna accept as many records as I would like to give them." – Neil Young