Monday, April 30, 2007

Fracture? [Big-Time SPOILER Content]

Shelly and I treated ourselves to a rare, just-the-two-of-us getaway yesterday (Sunday) afternoon. We saw the movie Fracture. It was enjoyable enough, I suppose. But, here's the problem I had with it:

Am I really supposed to believe that this otherwise brilliant guy wouldn't have realized that double jeopardy wouldn't apply once the wife was dead (and "attempted murder" became "murder")? Really?!? I know more than the average guy about business law (had to learn it to pass the CPA Exam). But, all I know about criminal law has been learned through episodes of the various Law & Order shows, and even I figured that one out.

Oh, well.

Da Bulls!

Bye, Bye, Pat Riley. Bye, Bye, D. Wade. Bye, Bye, Shaq. Bye, Bye, Miami.

Look at it this way: you made history. A defending champion getting swept out of the first round of the playoffs is not a common occurrence. Way to leave your mark!


Friday, April 27, 2007

Political Question

If abortions were performed with handguns, would the Democrats and Republicans become one party?


State of the World

After careful consideration, I've decided that Earth is one fucked up place.


Thursday, April 26, 2007

Blog Interview Pretend

This blog-interview thing is really catching on! Here's my entry:

5 Questions for Haahnster

1. What's your favorite color?

No comment.

2. If you could be one flavor of ice cream, what flavor would you be, and whose tongue would you want licking you?

No comment.

3. Rank the following in order, from least desirable to most desirable places to insert your penis: blender, garbage disposal, cheese grater, Rosie O'Donnell, alligator's mouth.

No comment.

4. What are your 3 favorite albums to have sex with?

How do you have sex with an album?

OK, let's rephrase: What are your 3 favorite albums to listen to while having sex?

Masturbation, or sex with another person?


No comment.

5. If you could be temporarily transformed into a donkey with a 27" penis, would you attempt to have sex with an innocent, little kitten? Why/why not?

No comment.

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Coffee's For Closers Only

Thanks to Grant Miller Media for this hot news story.

I'd like to go on record as saying I'm a big fan of Alec Baldwin. Kim Basinger is obviously the Courtney Love to his Kurt Cobain. Ireland Baldwin, you got off light! I would much rather he had given her a modified version of his "motivational" speech from Glengarry Glen Ross.

Put those milk and cookies DOWN. Milk and cookies are for closers only. You hear me, you rude, thoughtless, little pig?!? You think I'm f*ckin' with you? I am not f*cking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch & Murray. And, I'm here on a mission of mercy! I'm here to straighten your little ass out.

You know what it takes to be a father? It takes brass balls to be a father...

Monday, April 23, 2007

Spam Gone Wild

Sure, my email is constantly flooded with relationship advice (e.g. "Want a fuckfriend?") and male enhancement opportunities (e.g. "Increase penis girth by 20%" or my favorite, "Increase cum volume by 500%").

OK, fine.

But, today, a line was crossed. "Quit being obese and miserable." Now, that's just insulting.


Friday, April 20, 2007

Apparently, She's Some Kind Of Goddess?

Click here for details.


Thursday, April 19, 2007

Question Marks And Quotation Marks

This issue just reared its ugly head while I was commenting on another blog (a momentary, but much needed diversion from an overly busy work schedule).

Here is how I was taught you should punctuate a question that includes a quotation:

Why the fuck did you call me an "asshole?"

Well, I think that sucks! It's awkward-looking and stupid, in my humble opinion. I would prefer:

Why the fuck did you call me an "asshole"?

I refuse to put the question mark inside the quotation marks, unless I'm quoting a question.

I'm a fucking grammar rebel.


Tuesday, April 17, 2007

OK, I Don't Really Have Time For This, But...

A Quick, Not-Very-Well-Thought-Through Reaction to this ridiculous tragedy:

1. I'm sure the picture of the female Asian student grieving that happens to be attached to the article regarding the shooter being Asian is just a coincidence.

2. Something in the article about the serial numbers on the weapons having been filed off...a detail leaked to provide fodder for the NRA-types (See! See! Criminal behavior will always be with us...)

3. The argument that this kid would've done much less damage if limited to having a knife, baseball bat, etc. (anything shy of "gun") resonates with me.

4. The argument that a concealed carry law would've armed other students who then could've thwarted the attacker before the death toll mounted quite so high resonates much less with me.

5. What the FUCK is wrong with us (as a society)? What drives us to kill each other in numbers that are so far beyond imagination?

6. Thank God Bush is arriving at the scene! Peace and order will be restored for certain.

Neil Young Does Porn? (Part 2)

OK, where were we...

Old Lays
Fucking On Waterbeds
Life (of constant ass-fucking)
This Cock's For You
Ragged Glory-hole*
Harvest Poon*
Lucky Thirteen Inches
Sleeps With Sluts (Who Love Ass-to-Mouth)
Mirror Ball-licking
Chokin' Cum-loads
Year Of The Horse-Cock
Silver & Gold Vibrators
Road Cock, Vol. 1*
Are You Passionate About Licking My Sphincter?
Pussy Wind*
Living With Whores
Live At The Fillmore Rumps
Live At Ass-ey Hall

* Thanks to RabidT.

Now, on with the grieving process.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Neil Young Does Porn?

Here's a random thought I had this morning: What if Neil Young's albums were titled as if they were porn movies? I thought I'd take a quick shot at it:

Neil Hung
Everybody Knows This Is Anal
After The Cum Rush
Pussy Harvest
Journey Through Your Ass
Cum Fades Away
Hot Asian Chicks Tonguing Hairy Balls On The Beach
Tonight's The Night For Hot Black-On-Blonde Sex
Long May You Cum
American Cunts & Cocks
Decade Of Ass-Wrecking
Cums A Time (& Another Time & Another Time...)
Cunt Never Sleeps
Live Cunt
Sluts & Prudes
Trans-galactic Fuckfest
Everybody's Cockin'

Damn. I have to run to a meeting.

Musical Tag

Beth at A Cup of Coffey slapped the tag on me, and here goes nothing:

What was the first recorded music you bought?
Tough one to remember...I recall quite clearly that the first 2 musical items I received as Christmas presents were cassettes of Sgt. Pepper and E.L.O.’s Greatest Hits. I also had a crate full of old LP’s (Hendrix, Sabbath, Santana, etc.—approx 50 in all), either from a garage sale, or that had been set out as trash (This was all in the glorious year 1979). So, what was the first I bought? It might’ve been that Zep IV recently discussed on this very blog.

What was the most recent?
EASY! I can remember this clearly. It’s the “new” Neil Young, Live At Massey Hall 1971.

What was the first professional music show you ever went to?
Has to be when my Dad and Step-Mom took me to the state fair in the very early 1980s, and it was definitely Willie Nelson. The first concert I attended without parental supervision was Van Halen on the 1984 Tour, just weeks after completing 8th Grade.

The most recent show?
Eleventh Dream Day at a club in Chicago, followed by an in-store appearance at Tower Records the very next day. Man, it’s been TOO long since I’ve seen live music!

What's your desert island album?
Ridiculous question, obviously...but, I’ll go with Neil Young’s After The Gold Rush. What an amazing range of emotion and musical directions!

What's your favorite album/song title (not the actual album or song)?
Groovy Hate Fuck (1987) by Pussy Galore (Hey, all you NIN fans, didn’t Trent’s “Pretty Hate Machine” title just get a LOT less edgy? And, yes, I like NIN.)

Other favorites include: Hairway to Steven – Butthole Surfers; Dial ‘M’ for Motherfucker – Pussy Galore; Rembrandt Pussyhorse – Butthole Surfers; Psychic...Powerless...Another Man’s Sac – Butthole Surfers; Locust Abortion Technician – Butthole Surfers; well, it appears I’m in a bit of a Butthole rut...better move on to the next question.

What's your favorite album art (include an image of it if you can)?

Blood, Guts & Pussy by The Dwarves

What’s your ideal choice for a karaoke song?
Pearl Jam’s “Black” – I’m sure you can imagine the damage done.

You hate that song … but it won’t leave your head if you hear it.
“Darling, Be Home Soon” by The Lovin’ Spoonful. The worst bit of maudlin tripe! The rhyming of “dawdled” with “toddled”...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Which is cooler — vinyl? CD? cassette? 8-track?
Vinyl, without question. The art, the liner notes...CD booklets were a semi-decent replacement at first, but of course most releases are cheap & lazy now, with virtually no liner notes. And, let’s face it, the CD could NEVER match the LP in terms of art, because it’s too damned small!

Not For The Weak Of Heart

Obviously not one for such heated controversy, Don Ho checks out.

Get it? Don "Ho"...OK, f*ck it. I'll be back with that "tag" thingy.


Saturday, April 14, 2007

Happy F*cking Birthday

Only 40 minutes left, and not one of you rat bastards has posted to wish me a happy birthday.

Shocking! I'm crushed.

PS - I've been "tagged" by Beth. I'll get to that next.


Thursday, April 12, 2007

And So It Goes

I'm in mourning. Kurt Vonnegut (November 11, 1922 - April 11, 2007)

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Happy 400th!!!

This is the 400th post on Haahnster's Hallucinations, and I'm prepared to celebrate!

I began this momentous day by redeeming a buy-one-get-one-free coupon on 2 sausage egg McMuffins (with cheese). I drove back to the house to drop one off to my momentously lovely wife. I ate the other on my way into the office. Yummy!

I was going to post something simple and off the cuff. (You know. My usual.) But, then I realized this was my 400th post, a really momentous achievement! So, I invested an amazing amount of effort into the snazzy graphic you see above. Now, I'm straining my brain for the type of deep, momentous post worthy of this gargantuan milestone.

Press "Play" on the theme song for this post, "F#@* 'Em" by the Geto Boys...

(Scarface sample) Hey...hey...hey, FUCK You, man!

Now, I gotta bone to pick
With all you motherfuckers talkin' shit
We put you up
You put us down
And I'm mad
Time to talk about your dog ass

Please don't forget to raise a glass, and drink to the 400th at HH. (Personally, I'll be drinking because I'm an alcoholic. But, I'll pretend it's to celebrate my 400th post.)

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Monday, April 09, 2007

Losing Our Focus?

What am I missing here? Don't get me wrong. I am certainly no fan of Imus. I seem to disagree with much of his politics, and more importantly just don't find him funny.

But, is "nappy-headed hos" a remark worthy of automatic dismissal? Is the relative youth (college students) of those targeted playing a part in this? Or, is it purely a racial issue?

Again, I don't support Imus here. It's always more funny, to me at least, to make fun of those in power. I'd rather listen to someone make fun of Bush, Cheney, Rove, or even Clinton, Obama, and Edwards. How about some John McCain jokes? Or, you could take on NBA players, or whiny free agents in the NFL who feel "disrespected" by the franchise tag, which will pay them $7.5M next year instead of $9M (or whatever) they think they deserve (yes, I'm talking about you, Lance Briggs).

In summary, I think Imus chose his targets unwisely. But, "nappy-headed hos" is not that freakin' bad.

I quote Ice Cube (from his song, "The Wrong Nigga to Fuck With"):
And hos can't roll on
Even bitches lookin' like En Vogue
Gotta "Hold On"

I'm not sure exactly how that applies, but it just popped into my (nappy?) head.

Meanwhile, disproportionate numbers of African-Americans remain incarcerated. Are remarks such as those of Don Imus truly integral to the problem? Or, are they mere distractions?

Help me understand.

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Easter Wrap-Up

Location: Grandma's House
Attendance: A bit on the low side
Highlights: Emily in her Easter dress, Emily's Easter egg hunt in the living room, the ham was particularly delicious this year, Emily pushing her toy stroller, the Lithuanian chocolates my cousin's girlfriend brought, Emily in general
Downside: Heartburn from overeating

Bottom line: Those who showed up RULE! Everyone else lost out, big time.


Thursday, April 05, 2007

Damn, I'd Forgotten How Good This Was

My main CD trading partner sent me the following recently:
"The new Remaster is Ready for You!!It's called Four Doors Of The Voodoo Lounge And it's a Killer!!!!!!I've always liked the album but felt that there was something awry with it. It just sounded like alot of good songs just thrown together with no real 'flow' to it.....But that's all changed now!!!!!! The concept of 'Four Doors' came to me...
Behind door number one: 1) Love Is Strong 2) You Got Me Rocking 3) The Worst 4) Out Of Tears
Door Number Two: 5) New Faces 6) Moon Is Up 7) Baby Break It Down 8) Thru and Thru
Door Number Three: 9) Blinded By Rainbows 10) Brand New Car 11) Sweethearts Together 12) I Go Wild
Door Four: 13) Sparks Will Fly 14) Suck On The Jugular 15) Mean Disposition
Extra Tracks:16) Out Of Tears (alternate take) 17) You Got Away With Murder (un realized song idea... Absolutely Riveting imho!!!) 18) You Got Me Rockin (Live from 'The Voodoo Kiss' bootleg recorded at New Orleans 10/10/94). The quality's not the best recording but the 'ambience'of the venue just makes this a very 'live' track..."
What's my point in posting all this? Simply, I had forgotten just how great the songs on Voodoo Lounge really are. Do the Stones expand their musical horizons into uncharted territory here? No. But, so the fuck what? They rock. Always have. Always will. Voodoo Lounge is just further proof of that. As to all the song order stuff...maybe. But, the fact remains: these are great rock songs. "Love Is Strong"..."You Got Me Rocking"...Mellower numbers such as "Out Of Tears" and the slightly retro-trippy "Blinded By Rainbows"...more rockers: "I Go Wild" and "Sparks Will Fly"...solid stuff.

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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Still One Of The Greatest Albums Of All-Time

Honestly, people, come on. Sure, I don't reach for it as often as I once did (like say, multiple times a day every day of 6th grade). But, this bad boy is brilliant! After the lukewarm reception for their unexpectedly acoustic-dominated third album, Led Zeppelin appear to have concocted the perfect blend of mellow and heavy...a stone cold classic.

Side One opens with "Black Dog," which is quite possibly the greatest hard-rock groove e-v-e-r. Hey, hey, mama/Said the way you move/Gonna make you sweat/Gonna make you groove...bodacious, my brother. And Plant's Ah-oh, Ah-ah, Ah-oh, Ah-ah, Aaaaaaaah...? You know you love it.

"Rock and Roll" is up next, and only slightly less classic on the classic rock scale (say 9.99 as opposed to the 10.0 of the opener). But, why split hairs? It's been a long time since I rock and rolled...Page was certainly at the top of his "guitar-god" game in 1971. (PS - Damn the Cadillac commercials.)

"The Battle of Evermore" is acoustic based, and features the guest vocals of the late Sandy Denny--the only Zep song to feature a guest vocalist, unless I'm forgetting something. It's likely the most skipped song in the history of rock albums, purely as a result of its placement in the running order, coupled with the immense number of casual fans who've purchased this album (sales over 20 million). Heck, even I'll admit to having skipped it many times 'back in the day' (to use the parlance of our times). It might bloody well run on a bit long at nearly 6 minutes, but it's a damned fine tune nonetheless. It's probably even enjoyed somewhat of a resurgence, given the whole fantasy/Lord of the Rings boom.

"Stairway to Heaven" closes the first side. What can be said? It's a perennial winner of "greatest song ever" contests run by classic rock stations across this great land. Page's guitar solos in this song are widely touted as amongst the greatest ever recorded. And, of course, it is the perfect blueprint of the slow-mellow-song-turned-heavy-hard-and-fast. Let's not hold all of its imitators against it, please.

Side Two opens with "Misty Mountain Hop," one of my personal favorites. Great, great guitar/keyboard combo from Page and the ultimate utility man, John Paul Jones. Of course, Bonzo pounds away at the drums, as well.

"Four Sticks" is a heavy/dark/groovy song for which the title is allegedly based solely on the fact that Bonham played the drums with 2 sticks in each hand on the recording. It's not my favorite by any means, but still a solid track.

"Going to California" is a folk-rock acoustic tune, allegedly an ode to Joni Mitchell. An excellent song to mellow one's mind. Beautiful.

The album closes with a classic tour-de-force, "When the Levee Breaks." This is basically the culmination of, and good-bye to, Zeppelin's original heavy blues roots. It's quite possibly the quintessential example of their shameless plundering of the blues, albeit amped up with tremendous volume and heavier riffs. There's really not another song from this mold on any of their subsequent albums, although their first two had been full of them. I love that stuff, myself, which is why I count their first, second and fourth among my very favorites. Don't get me wrong. There are great hard rock tunes on their later albums, and they never fully removed themselves from the blues. They just became less blatant about the whole imitation-is-the-highest-form-of-flattery approach.

#66 on the Rolling Stone "Top 500" list? I'd say "underrated" doesn't begin to describe that placement.

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

U, G, L, Y, You Ain't Got No Alibi. You UGLY!!!

Thanks to the inimitable Ms. Coffey for emailing me this photo, guaranteed to relieve my beloved little Emily of her love for tigers.

Well, that is, IF she ever sees it. She will not...TOO SCARY!!!

Someone please tell me that's actually some bizarre photoshop of a pit bull and tiger spliced together...

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Can't Buy A 3-Pointer

DAMN the Gator domination! Ohio State's Greg Oden was clearly a man amongst boys, outplaying everyone else on either team. But, holy-cylindrical-shit-nuggets, not a damned one of his teammates could make a 3-point shot to save his ass.

Game over.